Sunday, 19 June 2011
Now I know that "Race and Equalities Tsar" Trevor Phillips, has lost the plot. That he seems to actually believe this twaddle means that he is either a blinkered PC fool or he is keen to hold onto his cherished title complete with the money, the kudos and a free soapbox compliments of the Marxists and Dhimmis infesting both governments and the media, especially the BBC.
So you will have to excuse my impertinence in the following when I start asking awkward questions and making observations based on what I see, read and hear. I will be posting a few questions for Our Trev later on.
Mind you, there IS some poetic justice in this. NOW many so-called "good" Christians will start to know what we Jews have had to put up with after 2000 years of blood libels, persecution and hatred and that is still going on. If nothing else, Jesus the Jewish Rabbi, if he is actually watching, must be deeply embarrassed at the latest outpourings of this clown.
So Sir Trev, your first question.
1. Do you actually believe that Christians are "more militant" than Muslims and if so, from where do you draw this conclusion?
If this is true, then the media, police and government agencies have been disgustingly complicit in covering up and hiding the various acts of Christian desecration of Muslim graves, the vandalizing of mosques, the targetting and beating up of Muslim religious teachers, the targetting and rape of Muslim women, the setting up of "Christian Law" ghettos. Why have we heard nothing of the Christian children taught that all Muslims will go to hell, that they should become suicide bombers in Jesus's name (Oh and God's too), presumably for their "reward" in Heaven from the same God that said that "Thou Shalt Not Murder", unless endorsed and encouraged by a "Holy" man?
2. Apart from the historical and hysterical whack-jobs in Ulster and parts of the F3 "Fuckwit Football Fraternity" in Scotland, how else could you describe Christians as "militant" in the UK?
Could it be that this so-called "militancy" isn't militancy at all? Could it be that it is an outpouring of frustration and indignation at the injustice of seeing politicians, quangocrats and various worthies such as Archbishop Worzel Gummidge crawling and abasing themselves to appease an increasingly emboldened and militant militant ISLAM. Christians and Christian organizetions hounded and pushed around while the same forces of "law and order", bureaucrats, councils and politicians, bend over backwards making every excuse to the excesses of militant Islam and its protagonists. Snivelling cowards who won't stand up to the playground bully, in the "interests of community cohesion" of course. Islam being what it is, an expansionist and supremacist political religion is even more emboldened by this abject cowardy capitulation, and will keep coming back for more.
By hey "Trev", it MUST be the Christian's fault, in the same way that it is the "Jews' fault for giving up Gaza and wondering why Militant Islam keeps coming back for more.
Time to put Phillips and the whole ghastly mob of left-wing PC apologists back in their box. They are demonstrably The Problem, not the solution, and you can be sure that in any attempt to remove said malignancy the "race card" will be played to the fullest extent. There's nothing like a good "racism" libel to make the reformers back down. But then finding a solution will mean an end to the gravy train, the kudos, the titles, the money and the media circus as we all realise that without these poisonous self-righteous "experts", politicians, treacherous red-Bishops et al, we could have had real peace, where we all rub along nicely, a long time ago.
This is where the "Bonfire of the Quangos" should start, the malignant cancer of "cultural politics". This is where our taxes are going, to pay huge salaries to those who make a living out of race, division and strife while pretending that they are "working" for a solution. If they find one, the gravy dries up. WISE UP PEOPLE and shun these malignant bastards, do not give them the oxygen of publicity.
It is time for Christians to stop "turning the other cheek" because all that happens with "cheek turning" is that they get slapped and until our pusilanimous politicians of all parties stop pandering to the lying Islamic Taqiyya Merchants and start defending and enforcing the Common Law as opposed to increasingly oppressive and alien ones, nothing will change.
I had high hope for the new government. I am now not so sure that they aren't cut from the same moth-eaten cloth as the last lot of liars and traitors.
As for Marxist-Archbishop Worzel-Gummidge Williams, he is presiding over a Church in crisis, where the clergy are so "inclusive" that they have all but surrendered their principals for a quiet time. No surprises that apart from the die-hards, there are fewer bums-on-seats by the week.
Saturday, 17 October 2009
It is time to stop experimenting with education. It is clear that for all of the tinkering and fiddling, British education has got WORSE.
And what of the famous "literacy hour" that bored the arses off of children who could already read and write.
And now, the "experts" want Children to start reading LATER. What is the matter with these people? I call it PAEDOMANIA, a pathological desire to over-protect children resulting in their being educationally, socially and emotionally CRIPPLED.
I learned to read by the time I was THREE. I learned because my mother used to read to me, taught me to count, while my father let me use tools, draw and get dirty in the garden and park.
Children are sponges for information, and if they can learn to SPEAK, they can also learn to READ and COUNT early.
But the official, kiddie-fiddlers have a vested interest in a crippled workforce in thrall and subservient to the State.
What surprises me is that the "experts" don't think that formal education should start before the age of six, but are happy to fill their heads with any amount of propaganda, global warming, sex-education, five-a-day, multicultural JUNK.
If they can learn this, they can learn to READ.
But again, that way we get educated people capable of free thought instead of leftie-trot "New" Labour drones and clones.
For those who haven't read it, here is an extract from a famous book:-
"The state must declare the child to be the most precious treasure of the people. As long as the government is perceived as working for the benefit of the children, the people will happily endure almost any curtailment of liberty and almost any deprivation."
Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler; the Ralph Manheim translation published by Houghton-Mifflin, 1943. pg 403.
And THAT in common with the National Socialists, I am afraid is also the aim of the "New" Labour Socialists.
It is time to take back our schools from the clutches of the State and also free the teaching profession from the tentacles of the Marxist Indoctrination Units aka Teacher's Training Colleges.
It will take concerted efforts from parents, governors, untainted staff and us as elected representatives.
We will be threatened and bullied by vested interests and the cancerous student-union Trots infesting the teachers unions, government and the (anything-but) Civil Service.
A national campaign of REFUSAL to comply, form fill etc. is what is needed. The State will lash out and complain, but in the end the total contempt that we the public have for those who are supposed to be our servants, will be what does for them and they will be shown up as the spiteful, jealous inadequates that they are.
First stage - Vote "New" Fascist Labour into OBLIVION next year.
I could go on, but it would fill the rest of the Telegraph's servers.
WHAT RECOVERY - There's a real sense of economic recovery in the air Labour's legacy may not be quite as poisonous as predicted, says Jeremy Warner.
"Labour's legacy may not be quite as poisonous as predicted, says Jeremy Warner. "
Did you actually write this with a straight face?? We shouldn't even be talking about a "recovery" especially as the "Great Gordo" eliminate3d "Boom and Bust". The recovery if it happens will take YEARS and millions of us will be clearing up Labour's crap and paying for it in raised taxes, trashed pensions, appalling savings rates and the inevitable inflation caused by raised import costs.
Just because Google has made a lot of money out of nothing and the DOW is up does not reflect the fact that we are producing nothing but hollow promises, hedge funds and moonbeams.
For God's sakes, the whole country has been conned and fleeced by that charlatan Blair and always in the background like a bad smell, moral compass swivelling wildly, Gordon Brown, the most useless, dangerous and dysfunctional man ever to allowed near the levers of power and who flogged off our Gold Reserves at carboot-sale prices and stpole over £100 BILLION from our pension funds. Meanwhile, in the shadows, the unelected and odious Mandelson is pulling the strings for the unaccountable and contemptuous-of-democracy, EU illuminati.
Between Brown and the bunch of jealous, purse-lipped student union Trots such as Harman, Straw, Hain, Balls, Cooper, they have achieved their aim, to destroy what they hate most in this world, the United Kingdom, and ENGLAND n particular, as it stood in the way of their vile and distorted "international".
Everything that "New" Fascist Labour has touched has been corrupted in its image. The country is no longer a free democracy, it is a Puritanical CCTV, Spook, Jobsworth and SNEAK infested, open prison.
If you seriously think that there is any REAL economic recovery in the air then you are either a paid up member of "New" Fascist Labour, angling for a nice stipend on a Quango, or the peerage carrot has been dangled.
Sorry to appear harsh, but I have watched as my savings are rendered worthless, my pension fund wiped out, prices soaring, petrol going stratospheric, taxes crippling and that is the economic side.
The NHS despite BILLIONS hosed over it is failing those who need it most. We are suffocating in crony packed Quangos. Schools are little more than propaganda spewing daytime Holding Penitentiaries. We are being "equalized" into a terrorised and disarmed peasantry, thrown a few "benefits" while the likes of the public-schooled Harriet Harman et al, are considerably more "equal" than us.
As a once-free British Citizen, I can be criminalized for putting the wrong rubbish, MY rubbish, in the "wrong" bin, because we are in thrall to the enviro-lunatics. There are thousands of new "offences", penalties, traps, catch-alls and "tough new laws" with our DNA, fingerprints and data up for grabs from every State agency that fancies its chances. In complete contempt for Magna Carta and the English Bill of Rights 1689, there are now nearly 250 agencies and an army of "special" bailiffs who can invade our homes and even assault us, while we face prosecution for having the temerity to defend ourselves. Well sorry Gordon, it's MY property and any agent of the state without a warrant who enters does so at their extreme peril, again as is my Right under Magna Carta.
Business and manufacturing in particular has been all but regulated out of existence with so many "rights" and "benefits" for employees that companies have decided that it isn't worth the carrot and either gone elsewhere or shut up shop.
My children have jobs but no thanks whatsoever to the nanny State and the appalling curriculum-lite "education" system. They did it themselves, no "benefits" and no strings-laden "handouts". My wife and I taught them what we were taught, reading, arithmetic, diction, common sense, manners and DISCIPLINE, which gave them the edge.
Please do not talk of recovery, it isn't possible while this disgusting Government Of All the TRAITORS, headed by the cowardly and dysfunctional Brown, is in place.
For all of us a GENERAL ELECTION cannot come quickly enough. How much more damage, how many more "landmines" in Brown's spiteful scorched earth policy before we can get rid of them like the political toxic waste that they are?
But please, do not talk of "recovery" until the necessary "political correction" has been made. Anything else is a false dawn, spin and lies.
As for that Election, do not think that by staying at home in "disgust" that this will work. What you will get is another term of "New" Fascist. Sorry folks, but there is only ONE option and that is a CONSERVATIVE government, who once again will have to clear up the mess and take the flak while the dregs of "New" fascist snipe from the safety of opposition.
And you can forget the shapeshifting LibDums Europhiles. Tempting that the smaller parties may be, all that will happen is that the vote will be split allowing "New" fascist Labour a possible shoo-in. It is time to wake up to the fact that socialism that has failed everywhere, has failed and will always fail and must be finally destroyed and buried in the toxic landfill of history.
Sorry about the long rant, but this ill-informed "reportage" is both delusional and dangerous, especially as there is no hope that the current corrupt crypto-Marxist junta are capable of running the UK and never were.
Sunday, 4 October 2009
When regulations, laws and diktats are made by largely unaccountable career bureaucrats, with unelected appointed commissioners such as Jose Manuel Barosso openly berating elected representatives, the EU cannot be described as a democracy. The European Parliament is effectively little more than an expensive talking shop and democratically elected national governments no more than rubber stamping regional satrapies?
In the USA, a federation of independent States, after extensive campaigning, they get to elect their President. Therefore the notion of unilaterally "Installing" a President such as Tony Blair, based on horse trading and deals behind closed doors, with no election, no choice of candidates, and a convenient re-writing of the rules, is an outrage. Even Hitler, the last pretender to European domination, was elected. This is more reminiscent of Stalin's Russia, Mao's China or Castro's Cuba, and not a supposed union of independent democratic nations. This is why the sceptics describe the European Union as the EUSSR.
Even Zimbabwe had the pretence of an election, despite EU "monitors" grumbling (they should be looking closer to home) about "irregularities. This is not the end of the line, it actually makes it even more urgent that David Cameron guarantees an unconditional referendum, whether the Lisbon-I-can't-believe-it's-not-a-constitution-Treaty has been ratified or not, with the option of repudiation of said Treaty. If he were to promise this, the Tories would win by a landslide.
Saturday, 3 October 2009
A "World Record" we can DO WITHOUT - British schoolboy, aged 13, becomes one of world's youngest fathers
The baby will become of the same dysfunctional ilk, and yet the "authorities"in thrall to the vomit inducing mantra "Every Chiiiiyyyyyuulldd is Preshusssss", will shower "help", "benefits", money, clothing, free health-care, the whole kit and caboodle over these shameless twerps. They will keep the "family together" for the sake of the child, regardless of the future of doom in store for it. Meanwhile those same "authorities" will STEAL children with the help of the disgusting secret "Family" Courts, from loving parents and families to fulfill their "adoption" and "fostering" targets. And by going after the "soft" targets, the ones least likely to fight back, for fear of ever more State Sanctioned BULLYING, the "State" show the true colours of the evil naked "Socialism" that has caused and is still causing so much misery.
Please Daily Mail et al, stop giving these dysfunctional, rotten-to-the-core, CHAVS, and their scumbag extended "families", the publicity, and sorry to say the status and "fame". Time for some SHAME, some RESPONSIBILITY, oh yes and some JUDGMENT.
I sincerely hope that this little scrote and Ms yoyo-knickers didn't receive any MONEY for this. I am afraid that the "record breaking" headlines will do nothing but ENCOURAGE, more of the same.
One has to now question the usefulness of the ever increasing amount of sex "education" and no doubt we will have some Left-Wing (it's always bloody left-wing) idiot "worthy" or Ed-Ball-Locks calling for more "intervention", "Tough new laws" or "compulsory" action... Yadda yadda yadda. Don'cha just LOVE the consequences of "socialism" and the demagnetized "moral compass"?
One interesting point, this is UNDERAGE SEX, so where are the "Authorities". When is Ms Yoyo-knickers going to be "interviewed" by the POLICE??? Yes, Where ARE the NuFuzz in all of this, busy nicking motorists I'll bet. Too much paperwork.
Time for a BIG change. It makes me physically SICK.
Saturday, 26 September 2009
This is what has been sneaked in under the guise of "protecting the Precious Children Who are our Future".
Yes folks, we cannot even look after our own friend's children, even on an informal basis without a CRB and ISA check at a combined £100 a pop. Yes it's true, in "New" Fascist Dogturd Labour Britain you now need a LICENCE to be a good neighbour or to have friends with children. In the eyes of the malignant Cancer State, we are all paedophiles, unless we have writen Sate permission that we aren't.
The solution is VERY SIMPLE. SHUN THIS "New" Labour HYSTERICAL RUBBISH. Treat it with the utter contempt that such unconstitutional junk deserves. SHUN and OUT the informers, snoops and spooks. Do not stand in the "dock", you are NOT a criminal.
This monstrous interference in our PERSONAL lives by a paranoid cancer of a government and its tax-funded malignant agencies, aided by the constant Tabloid yammerings about "the precious children" was entirely predictable.
REFUSE CRB and ISA checks.
DO NOT give any information (let alone pay for it).
WITHDRAW any "goodwill".
DO NOT VOLUNTEER to anything.
DO NOT become governors.
DO NOT become dinner ladies.
DO NOT help at scouts/cubs/guides.
DO NOT help for meals on wheels.
DO NOT help youth clubs and sports clubs.
DO NOTHING, a VOLUNTEER STRIKE and watch it all COLLAPSE.
Let's see the BULLY STATE pick the bones out of that.
This has been "New" fascist Labour's aim all along, the fracturing and destruction of the very fabric of British society the final stage in "rebranding" and subjugation of us all, slaves to the database Identity-Slave-card, microchipped, CCTV, gun and taser toting State.
BE STRONG BRITAIN.
DO NOT stay at home on ELECTION DAY!!
GO AND VOTE this "New" Labour DOGTURD of a government, out, forever.
And if the New Government done repeal this crap, then REFUSE to cooperate, and VOTE THEM OUT too.
We need to remind the politicians and (anything but) Civil Servants that they SERVE US, not the other way around. Time to CALL TIME on the creeping dictatorship, the informer and spook society.
For the record, I am refusing and have refused to cooperate with the CRB and most certainly will NOT be cooperating or applying for the additional and highly invasive £64 "ISA" check.
I am currently a school governor, but will REFUSE TO RESIGN. They will have to SACK ME and then I will go to the media. Any iffy comments or attempts to smear me will be met with ROBUST legal action.
I am now investigating just how much taxpayers' money this will cost, and yet this will not protect nor save one vulnerable child or person.
Friday, 18 September 2009
Sooooooo, below are the comments I posted harranguing him for the sham and the humbug he is:-
Sorry Gordon, you can spout statistics, vast sums of money and initiatives until you are red in the face, but you and "New" Labour have blown it. All of this waffle and blaming everybody else is meaningless.
YOU have personally pillaged and destroyed our PENSION FUNDS.
YOU, personally, flogged off our GOLD and worse ANNOUNCED the fire sale, so that it was snapped up at bargain basement prices and is now worth nearly FOUR times the flog-off value.
You have taxed and extorted virtually everything possible, thrown it down the public sector black hole, and BLOATED government to an extent not seen outside a corrupt banana republic.
Your hosing billions of OUR MONEY at the banks and printing ever more has seriously damaged the economy. You should have told them to sort out their own mess as New Zealand did. Our savings are worth less very day with disastrously low interest rates, not reflected in borrowing costs.
You do not even know the difference between SPENDING, BORROWING and INVESTMENT which in GordoSpeak are interchangeable.
You have abased yourself and sacrificed this country to every EU whim and diktat and deliberately disadvantaged and handicapped ENGLAND to pay for your clients in Scotland.
You have targetted motorists in a way that is remisniscent of Hitler going after their scapegoats, and are still going for more.
You "investment" in skoolznospitals has seen precious little real improvement save the massaging and skewing of statistics for political gain. Creating a situation where we are afraid of our own children, just as every other control-freak megalomaniac state has done.
Between, you, Blair and the rest of the student union Trots and Marxists infesting this joke of a "government", turning this once free country into a defacto open prison, a vile repressive, surveillance society. Erosion of civil liberties, Identity cards, databases, CCTV, permits, rafts of new "offences", destruction of private property rights. The turning of our schools into little more than daytime holding penitentiaries. Where being on "benefits" is now more lucrative than getting a bloody job. And yet you still want to inflict more of this junk. Incapable of thinking that you could be wrong.
But by far the WORST was you skulking in late, through the back-door, away from the prying cameras, to sign your crabbed signature to the EU Constitution dressed up as the Lisbon Treaty, signing away OUR COUNTRY to control by faceless unelected bureaucrats.
I hope and pray Mr Brown, that when you have the GUTS to call a General Election, the people have the sense to Annihilate the "New" Labour project and see it out of power forever,with "socialism" finally exposed for the monstrous CON that it always was.
The worst aspect is that once again, we Conservatives are going to have to clear up Labour's blundering mess, as we have to, every single time.
I am pleasede that the Telegraph have given you this column, because perhaps those who may have given you the benefit of the doubt will see and read that you are nothing but a hollow cipher, a vacuous scratched record with a "moral compass" so demagnetized that it points everywhere and nowhere as whim dictates.
To cut to the chase Mr Brown, you have NOT saved the World, you have impoverished your own Country and illegally signed it away. GO, in the name of God, GO, and go NOW.
If I had my way an arrest and a trial for High Treason under the still-in-force and unrepealable Common Law of Magna Carta and the English Bill of Rights, would follow swiftly.
Lord help us when Cameron gets a chance to look at the REAL state of the nation's books. It was exactly the same when we took over Harrow from Labour.
Undoubtedly others will add the stuff that I missed.
Never in the field of political endeavour, has so much, been screwed up, by so few.
Apologies for the length of this rant, but a chance to append this to a column written by Brown and hopefully read by him, cannot be missed.
Comment 2.What REALLY gets up my nose is this patronising, "Low Carbon Economy" DRIVEL, codswallop and garbage.
Sorry Gordon, but YOU know it, I know it, EVERYBODY knows it, but STILL you and your coterie of cretins STILL spout it.
Short of turning out the lights and the heating off, closing businesses, banning all private travel and going to bed at dusk it is pure unadulterated CRAP, especially with the UK's current power infrastructure. The ban on filament lightbulbs was pure spite and grandstanding to prove that you could "do something". The problem is that everything "New" Labour "does" or did was an act of dictatorial posturing.
Every "tough new law", all of the "bans", the rafts of illegal new "offences", the myriad of ill-thought-out "initiatives", the interminable and frankly laughable "crackdowns", the plethora of snoops, spooks, bailiffs and "inspectors", the vile obsession with "the precious children who are our future", the bullying, hectoring tone adopted by your ill-qualified henchmen such as Harman, Balls, Straw, Cooper and you etc etc etc.
Meanwhile it is down to TWELVE festering years of "New" Labour where you have filled the place with wind-turbines that, except on paper, DO NOT WORK. That prat Milliband the "Minister for "Climate Change", (Canute, Minister for Tidal Change would be equally idiotic) who dictates "Carbon Capture" for any coal fired station and yet the technology does not exist and is likely to have serious long term damaging effects.
Under your "stewardship" the only wind generation seems to come from No10 and that other windfarm, Parliament, when we should have started building new Nuclear Stations ten years ago, but YOU sold off our last home-grown Nuke Builder to the Japanese and crapped the money away down the welfare kazi. We are still a major GAS PRODUCER and instead of incentivising the gas producers to build STORAGE facilities, you taxed the bollocks off of them so that it is cheaper and more profitable to export it while we only have 15 days supply. Even Nuclear Stations who produce no CO2 are paying that great GREEN CON, the "Climate Change Levy". How does a TAX that goes down the toilet, "save the planet".
But by far, by FAR the most INSULTING piece of garbage is yours and your idiot ministers blathering on about how the "Third World" should have "Low Carbon" economies. They already HAVE, it's called NO PROPER POWER STATIONS, and the only way they can be even termed "Low Carbon" is because they are running out of their Carbon capturing TREES and burning them as FIREWOOD. And still you keep spouting this abject, insulting airy-fairyland RUBBISH.
If you were REALLY interested in the "Third World" and really gave a toss about the "poor people of Africa", you would tell the EU to take a hike, drop all tariffs and subsidies and open up Britain for FREE TRADE. At present "fair trade" is a feelgood, warm and fuzzy idea that makes us westerners feel good about ourselves.
REAL free trade would soon see other countries develop. Cutting aid and would starve the kleptocrats, scumbags and murdering African "Big Men" and their marxist backers.
The fly in the ointment is that YOU Gordon, like playing Mister Bountiful and swanning around pretending to be a Great Statesman with Other Peoples' Money while Mandelson pulls the strings. You don't do anything with the word FREE in it, free trade, freedom, free movement and will go down in history as the man who wrecked Britain and with that other charlatan Blair, damaged the 300 year old Union because of your incessant tinkering and "reforms".
As I said before, I sincerely hope that you read this and see how much the British people despise, at a deep visceral level, what you have done to this country and that their GRANDCHILDREN will still be paying for your ham-fisted "son of the manse", "moral compass" while we curse yo for what you have done in STEALING our PENSIONS.
It wasn't the "downturn", it was the nasty, vindictive, socialist, THEFT of our pension funds.
As I wrote before, GO NOW, call that Election, but you WON'T because you still believe for whatever reason that only you can fathom, that you truly can Save the World.
Worse, all of the signs are that the people are REJECTING "New" Labour in droves, you having turned the country into a de-facto island open prison, full of jobsworths, surveillance and databases.
Your cowardly Party aided by the Unions is embarking on a crass and vindictive scorched Earth policy littered with landmines to make the Tories job difficult and to punish the voters for their rejection, while what remains of the "New" Labour Trots and student union Marxists, snipe from the sidelines.
Time for that ELECTION, and a REFERENDUM.
Thursday, 10 September 2009
On the other hand, if an ordinary non-CRB-checked, "non-expert" member of the public, decided to "inappropriately", "teach" children about matters sexual, they would be quickly arrested with the attendant screaming media headlines about "protecting our precious children" and "how could this happen?". They would be DNA tested, charged, prosecuted and banged-up as a PAEDOPHILE, forced to sign the "sex offender's register", put on List-99 and, totally destroyed and unemployable, hounded out of the the area as a danger to children, a social outcast.
The lesson here is clear, if you want to abuse children with no fear of prosecution, make sure that the abuse follows strict "Official Guidelines", that you are properly and officially "trained" with a nice "title", a certificate to practice, oh yes, and that magical comfort-blanket "CRB/ISA check" that is useless for undetected past or future offences.
Next week, the same gravy-train UNESCO/UN/EU/State "experts" will undoubtedly pontifficate on "the evils of child-exploitation", wring their hands at rocketing child pregnancy rates and sexual experimentation, whilst handing out the condoms and wodering why no-one in their right mind will work with children anymore? Let children be children - Meanwhile our taxes are paying for this rubbish. Welcome to HMP-Loonybin-England.
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
CHANCELLOR: Alistair Darling
RAILWAY ATTENDANT: Ed Balls
LIFELESS GRINNING CORPSE: Gordon Brown
(A perfectly ordinary Ministry. A tall voter in a dark green rain-jacket, holding red embellished bank statements and with rictus grinning corpse in tow, enters. This is Mr. Praline.)
Mr. Praline : 'Ello. I wish to register a complaint.
(The Chancellor has his back to the voter and does not respond.)
Mr. Praline : 'Ello miss?
Chancellor: (turning around, very angry) What do you mean, “miss”, just ‘cause my name’s Darling?
Mr. Praline : I'm sorry, I said Chancellor, I have a cold.
(The Chancellor nods, understanding.)
Mr. Praline : I wish to make a complaint!
Chancellor : (hurriedly) Sorry, we're closin' for lunch, workin’ time directive, health and safety ruling, TV interview...!
Mr. Praline : Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Prime Minister, what I got not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Chancellor : Oh yes, the, ah, the Caledonian Red... What's, ah... W-what's wrong with it?
Mr. Praline : I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
Chancellor : No, no, 'e's, ah... he's resting.
Mr. Praline : Look, matey, I know a dead Prime Minister when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Chancellor : No no, h-he's not dead, he's, he's restin'!
Mr. Praline : Restin'?
Chancellor : Y-yeah, restin.' Remarkable man, the Caledonian Red, isn't it, eh? Beautiful smile!
Mr. Praline : The smile don't enter into it. Ee's stone dead!
Chancellor : Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Mr. Praline : All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the grimacing corpse)
'Ello, Gordy! Mister Gordy Browneeeeee! I've got a lovely fresh tax wheeze for you if you wake up, Mr. Gordy Browneeeeee...
(Chancellor hits the table)
Chancellor : There, he moved!
Mr. Praline : No, he didn't, that was you hitting the table!
Chancellor : I never!!
Mr. Praline : Yes, you did!
Chancellor : I never, never....
(He pulls the Gordy over the desk and screams into its ear.)
Mr. Praline : 'ELLO GORDAAAAAAAY! GORD-EEEEE-AAAAYYYY! GORDY BROWNIEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WAKE UP!
(He bangs Gordy’s grinning head against the desk, horribly hard.)
TESTIIIING! TESTIIIING! THIS IS YOUR 2010 ELECTION ALARM CALL!
(He does it again, harder.)
(He tosses him up in the air and watches him plummet to the floor. Longish pause.)
Now that's what I call a dead Prime Minister.
Chancellor : No, no.... No, he's stunned.
Mr. Praline : STUNNED?
Chancellor : Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Caledonian Reds stun easily, Major.
Mr. Praline : Look Tosh, I've had just about enough of this. That PM is definitely deceased, and when I got ‘im not half an hour ago, you assured me that ‘is total lack of movement was due to ‘im being tired and shagged out after a long PMQs.
Chancellor : Well, he's... he's, ah... probably pining for the lochs.
(Praline looks angrily back and forth, stuttering.)
Mr. Praline : PININ' for the LOCHS? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment ‘e got home?
Chancellor : The Caledonian Red prefers thinkin' on its back! Remarkable thing isn't ’e, guv, eh? Lovely whistle and flute, luvverly smile!
Mr. Praline : (coldly) Look, I took the liberty of examining a video of that PM when I got home, and I discovered the only reason that he had been standing in the first place was that he had been NAILED there and the smile STAPLED and GAFFER-TAPED in place.
Chancellor : Well, of course ‘e was nailed there and the stapled smile, you don’t want to see him angry! If I hadn't nailed the PM down, ‘e would have muscled up to them Tories, bent 'em apart with ‘is bitten fingernails, and…………..VOOM!
Mr. Praline : "VOOM?"
(Praline puts the red-lined statements down and grabs the lifeless PM by the arms.)
Mr. Praline : Look matey, this PM wouldn't "voom" if you put four thousand volts up ‘is jacksy with a size 13 army boot! ‘E's bleedin' demised!
Chancellor : ‘E's not! E-‘E's pining!
Mr. Praline : ‘E's not pinin,' ‘e's passed on! This PM is no more! ‘E has ceased to be! ‘E's expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! This is a late PM! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘is policies in pieces! If you hadn't nailed him to the desk he would be pushing up the thistles for over ten years! ‘is metabolical processes are of interest only to historians! ‘E's hopped the twig! ‘E's shuffled off this mortal coil! ‘E's run down the economy and screwed the earnings invisible! He’s in the great manse in the sky! This.... is an ……….EX-PM!
Chancellor : Well, I'd better replace ‘im, then.
(He disappears behind the desk.)
Mr. Praline : (turning to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to vote 'til you're Blue in the Government.
(The Chancellor returns.)
Chancellor : Sorry guv, we're fresh out of PMs and no likely candidates.
Mr. Praline : I see. I see, I get the picture.
Chancellor : (quietly) I-I've got a slug.
Mr. Praline : (sweet as sugar) Could be a suitable replacement. Does it talk?
Chancellor : Not really, no.
Mr. Praline : Well, it's SCARCELY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT then, IS IT? It would be if it could bleedin’ talk.
Chancellor : Listen, I'll tell you what, tell you what, if you go to my brother’s assembly in Cardiff, he'll replace your PM for you.
Mr. Praline : Cardiff, eh?
Chancellor : Yeah.
Mr. Praline : All right.
(CAPTION: "A SIMILAR MINISTRY IN CARDIFF, WALES")
(The customer enters a very similar Ministry, with a sign on the front reading "Similar Ministry" The owner, who looks similar to the other Minister, is putting on large false ginger eyebrows in order to better distinguish himself from his brother. Which he isn't. Praline looks about and finds it to be very similar indeed. And when he finds his same dead PM inside, that just about clinches it.)
Mr. Praline : Uh, excuse me, this is Cardiff, is it?
Chancellor: (with the fake white eyebrows) No, it's Edinburgh.
Mr. Praline : (looking at the camera) That's Network Rail for you.
(Mr Praline goes to the train station. He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints.")
Mr. Praline : I wish to make a complaint.
Attendant : I don't have to do this, you know!
Mr. Praline : I beg your pardon...?
Attendant : I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this 'cause they messed up the admissions contracts and the CRB check!
Mr. Praline : Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
Attendant : Oh yeah, well, most sensible sketches woulda stopped at the slug line.
Mr. Praline : Well, I wish to complain! I got on the Cardiff train and found myself deposited here in Edinburgh.
Attendant : No, this is Cardiff.
Mr. Praline : (to the camera) The Minister's brother was lying!
Attendant : Well, you can't blame Network Rail for that.
Mr. Praline : If this is Cardiff, I shall return to the Ministry!
(Zoom in on the bewildered attendant. Mr. Praline returns to the Ministry.)
Mr. Praline : I understand that this IS Cardiff.
Chancellor : (still with the fake eyebrows) Yeah?
Mr. Praline : But you told me it was Edinburgh!
Chancellor : (a bit meekly) It was a pun.
Mr. Praline : A pun??
Chancellor : No, no ... not a pun ... What's the other thing where it reads the same backwards as forwards?
Mr. Praline : A palindrome...?
Chancellor : Yeah, yeah.
Mr. Praline : It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Cardiff" would be "Ffidrac!" It don't work!!
Chancellor : Well, what do you want?
Mr. Praline : No, I'm sorry! I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!
Chancellor : Silly, sir?
Mr. Praline : And take off those eyebrows!
Chancellor : (taking off eyebrows) Silly, sir?
Mr. Praline : Yes, silly! Well it would be if it wasn’t so serious. I've come in here with a perfectly legitimate complaint and you have done everything in your power to turn my afternoon into a comedy of errors and divert attention! This, therefore, is silly!
(He slams the bank statements down on the counter and lands a hefty boot at the rictus grinning corpse, to illustrate the point.)
Chancellor : Y-yeah. Silly. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Mr. Praline : Well.
(Excruciatingly long pause.)
Chancellor : (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
Mr. Praline : No! Mandelson’s already asked..
Saturday, 11 April 2009
Compulsory travel plans pose far bigger risk than Google StreetView
While I understand people's concerns at their homes being viewed by potential burglars and criminals via Google StreetView, there is a greater and far more insidious threat on the horizon.
In its zeal to control our lives, and as usual, in complete disregard for any consequences, the government is legislating for a national database, to force us on threat of draconian fines, to file holiday, business, and all "travel plans" comprising, amongst other things, length of absence, destinations, e-mail addresses and credit card details, prior to leaving the UK. What next, internal passports, checkpoints and exit-visas?
With the government's abysmal record on data security, surely the potential for undisturbed burglary, warrantless searches, credit-card fraud and other nefarious activities is limitless.
For the Hindu Community, it is bad enough that people have to take extra precautions over Navratri and Diwali. For the Muslim Community, the bigger threat is from the State. Once information of an owner's absence is readily and nationally available, its routine misuse by both official and criminal elements is inevitable.
With Google you can get data removed, not so with government. When considered in this context, Google StreetView is small beer.
Cllr Jeremy Zeid
(Conservative - London Borough of Harrow)